"Mr. Speaker, the Emperor, Tobias Maximus!"

[applause]

Ladies and Gentlemen of the House, Senate, Mr. Vice-Emperor, Distinguished Guests, my fellow Americans: I am pleased to report that the State of the Toby is strong. The economy is improving, my car is close, my iPod is closer, and I am very proud to say that Toby has not bombed any foreign country. Ever.

[applause]

My payday was today and it...

[applause]

...it looks like I just might be able to get my car in April. Obviously, there are a lot of factors to add in, still, but it was a good month in terms of hours worked and I think I'll have a new Jetta very very soon.

[applause]

I am enjoying life right now more than I have in a while. I still have a lot of work to do, and things are not ideal, but I can honestly say that right now, at this very moment, I am happy.

[applause]

This afternoon and...

[applause]

STOP CLAPPING! This afternoon and evening, I will be working hard to improve my economic status, while at the same time, making sure your calls get to where they need to be.

[applause]

Thank you. And may God (or who/whatever you worship) bless you all. Good night.

[applause]